2019: A Year of Transformation

2018 was a tough year mostly for personal and health reasons.

I remember being so worn down, and so run ragged by so many courses of antibiotics, ailments and of all my negativity. Now, this is not a reflection only on my health, but as anyone on a health journey knows- it deeply alters or affects your wider, personal journey.

Nearing the end of 2018 I really was so done with feeling constantly tired, working so hard for happiness. Tired of having to fight negative thoughts and troubling symptoms. I was sick of playing the victim. Now I wasn’t playing the victim on purpose. If I get really real and honest with myself, I didn’t know any other way of being than thinking that life was happening to me- and was unaware that I had any ability to change this. It can sound really simple, or naive to think that you didn’t have control over your life, or that you could change your mindset. Things can be so deeply rooted in you from birth that it takes a lot of hard work to realize that you have this predisposition to negativity.

There were so many good things going on in my life. My business was taking off (thank you Universe for looking out for me and for providing for my family.) I had a wonderful husband, two BEAUTIFUL girls, a passion for my art. Family was supporting me and the girls as I took the time to try and fight Lyme and to heal. We had the promise of a new start, as in the fall of 2018 we purchased a new home (which we are now in) New Year’s Eve (2018) I remember looking at myself in the mirror and having an epiphany of sorts. I could change this. I stared deep into my eyes and I just held onto that thought. I can change this path. I can overcome the trauma and accompanying behaviours.

In that moment, I knew
I could no longer be a victim. I could stop sabotaging myself. I knew I could fight to reclaim happiness, and not just surface-level happiness- real unabashed joy, and happiness.

“I was an old, sad and tired soul from a very young age. I don’t have any memories before the age of 6ish, and even when I think back to memories of my life that I do have- I remember always feeling in state of crisis. Always feeling like I was teetering on the edge of darkness.“

Excerpt from my journal

Early 2019 things began to shift. I was making small changes. I was focusing my being on creating good, and really doing work on myself in order to become this new and more positive person that I wanted to be. There are so many facets to change in me, and it hasn’t been easy work, but in this post, I want to share what I feel are the biggest changes that I made, that put the wheels in motion, for this new positive outlook and track.

1. I became aware of my thoughts.
   I watched for that voice that was consistently negative and I started challenging it on the daily. It would creep its way in, and I would correct the thought out loud. Accepting where that thought came from, and then acknowledging it, and communicating to myself that it was wrong. Saying the positive version to myself and breathing through the discomfort.

2. I started reading wellness and “self- help” books.
   I also devoured literature about my illness, and about healing from trauma. I read these books about coping, and about mindfulness instead of endlessly scrolling social media, or spending time feeling sorry for myself. I started seeing my alone time as a blessing, and not a curse.

3. I started having Reiki done.
   Erin, my Reiki practitioner, has had a massive impact on my life. When she first saw me, I was a blubbering mess, with so much emotion stored in my body. Anger in my liver, sadness in my throat. The negative energy that she got moving out of me, from where it had been stuck for so long. I worked on connecting more with the earth, bare feet on the grass, breathing in the air, noticing the beauty in my surroundings.

4. I invested in myself.
   I have ALWAYS been a doubter and had low self-esteem. This business of mine started taking off and with the support of my wonderful husband, I doubled down and committed to setting up a brand new website with a complete brand redesign. (Which you are now seeing as you scroll these words) It can be scary putting out that type of money and putting it into your dream and yourself. It means that heck- you believe in yourself. You know that you can make this work- and more so that YOU DESERVE THIS.

5. I started planning for the future.
   With the new house purchased, I went through our things and “Marie Kondo-ed” the crap out of my house and our belongings. I began planning for a more minimalist lifestyle, both in belongings and in choices for the new house.

AND LASTLY

I started listening to my gut.

To my intuition. I started hearing what it had to say and not denying it. This lead to me going off all of my hardcore antibiotics and taking a more natural approach. This led to me saying “No” more often. This lead to me making sure that I was making decisions for my family, and for myself, and not continuing to be the total people pleaser that I have always been. This came with some uncomfortable changes- but I can assure you, it feels really good to finally after all these years, listen to what your soul has been trying to tell you.
As 2019 is winding down, I truly feel I am a different person, both in my personal life and in my business. Do I still struggle occasionally? Of course. Do I still have to correct my thoughts, absolutely! I meditate 2 or 3 times a day to help keep this new mindset. I am no longer a victim. I am taking my health in my hands, I am happy, and I have found and am finding my way to inner peace. We are in the new house, and the second we moved in I felt lighter. It felt like a place where I could heal. A place where my family and I could have stability and fun. A place where we can make memories in the years to come and be together and healthy. The magic in all this is, my health currently is terrible. My symptoms are crazier than ever, I am not making a ton of headway yet in treatment and pain management- but- I am encouraged, and inspired.
I write this, as an update of what this year has held for me, a way to document my story, but I truly want to share this to help others. I know in this day and age- it is more likely that you are feeling overwhelmed, lost, perhaps battling your own engrained behaviours. There is hope, you can put yourself on a new path. Whether you are on a journey with your health, or just want to overcome some trauma or mindset from the past- you can do it. It is possible. I am stopping the cycle of trauma in my family line with me. That is my purpose in life. I cannot wait to see what 2020 holds for me and my precious family. I hope 2020 is deeply positive for you as well.